


honey, i got nothing to lose

by lovemarket



Series: stillness in woe [16]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Boys Kissing, First Kiss, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-26 06:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19762756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemarket/pseuds/lovemarket
Summary: Mark looks up to see Renjun’s figure looming over him. The other teen is holding a 7/11 plastic bag and has his hand resting on his hip. With the shirt he’s wearing, Mark can see Renjun’s half sleeve tattoo. His septum piercing shines from the way the light hits it, due to the way he’s facing the store. He’s so fucking hot, Mark muses to himself in his mind.“Can I join you?” Renjun asks, gesturing to the sidewalk.“No.” Mark responds in a gay panic, like the absolute fucking dumbass he is.





	1. heart on a tray

**Author's Note:**

> a little bit of   
>  [ imagery ](https://twitter.com/dunkyushot/status/1148669694049570816)  
>  for u
> 
> title from shot at the night by the killers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5VGqQD4A2jDTackqEdaceE?si=ugJcoWoxRTK5rOizlIqcDA) of the chapter

Mark hates the lunchroom with every single nerve in his body. It doesn’t even help that there are more seniors than any other grade level in this lunch period than last year because Mark hates most of the kids in his grade besides his immediate best friends, Yukhei, Dejun, Kunhang and Yerim but now, he couldn’t even enjoy lunch with her. She transferred to an all girls school two years ago. The four of them continue to eat strawberry parfaits from the lunch cafe with her in mind. 

Yukhei and Kunhang are talking about some dumb shit they did in Robotics, messing up the in-class project they were paired for and Mark couldn’t help but not be surprised. He tries to finish some last minute AP homework that he didn’t get around to last night because he passed out cold on his desk studying for an Anatomy dissection that he had to complete after this lunch period.

He multitasks between reading, calculating, writing, eating, and drinking before looking up after his mind starts to swim with all the numbers he’s working with.

Dejun has joined Yukhei and Kunhang’s conversation, though they’re no longer talking about Robotics.

Mark turns his head, scanning the lunchroom. He frequently gets the feeling of someone staring at him and now it’s become too intense to ignore. Mark searches his subconscious for the word, knowing he’s looked it up before: scopaesthesia, his mind provides and he feels content with remembering the specific term. But he still feels watched so he continues to look around until he makes eye contact with a table not too far from his.

It’s Huang Renjun, sitting in all his glory. Somehow these shitty cafeteria lights make him incredibly stunning. However as soon as Mark realises Renjun was staring, he then comes to another realisation: Mark is now staring at Renjun who is _still_ staring at him. So, he looks away, grabbing his parfait cup.

He struggles to open it, ignoring the looks of confusion and snickers from his friends in front and beside him. Mark’s hands are shaking so fucking bad he almsot drops a spoonful of yogurt onto his homework. He stuffs the food into his mouth and takes his time swallowing, trying to forget about what just happened.

Mark breathes before risking his cool composure to make sure Renjun isn’t looking at him anymore.

He turns his head in the junior’s direction, glancing to see that Huang Renjun is still staring.


	2. parking lot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0grawP1wBslclQyZPqHrnh?si=IMzyhDvFR0qLbmIpnUB9Gw) of the chapter

The 7/11 parking lot is eerily quiet as Mark takes a seat on the sidewalk curb, his wax pen in one hand, ice cream sandwich in the other. In any other circumstance, he’d probably be scared out of his mind but right now he was upset, high, and trying to cure a case of the munchies. The white noise was what he needed to get a few things off his mind. 

He snuck out of his house and walked over after a fight with his parents. Nowadays, they never seem to get along. It’s not even about things like school anymore. That he can expect from them, since they’ve been on his ass about grades since like, the first grade but now it was about little things like him having a few shirts thrown on the floor in his room or leaving a dirty fork in the sink. Mark was feeling suffocated in his own home and he needed a minute to breathe. 

Mark bites into his ice cream sandwich, glaring down at the street in the distance. The light from the 7/11 only goes so far.

He thinks. He thinks when he’s sober, but thinks even harder when he’s high and has no company, which is more often than not. But Mark is high so he’s thinking dumb shit, dumber shit than he would be thinking if he was sober. He thinks about what his own tongue tastes like as he takes another bite into his ice cream sandwich. He wants to eat it faster to avoid it melting all over his fingers so he takes another bite. 

Mark registers an unfamiliar sound and his head snaps up. The sound gets louder as it comes closer. There are two figures, a person on a bike. Mark knows that fucking bike. It belongs to Renjun, his crush who was staring at him like the last stick of gum in the package at lunch a few days ago. Mark takes the second to last bite of his ice cream sandwich.

Renjun approaches, dismounting his bike and putting a lock on it at the bike rack. Mark looks down, avoiding eye contact and confrontation. He considers his mission complete as he hears the automatic doors of the 7/11 open and close. Renjun went inside.

Mark takes another hit from his wax pen and it gets him thinking, as he already had been, about Renjun. What the fuck was he doing at a 7/11 at almost three in the morning? Mark had his reasons. Some small part of Mark wanted to know Renjun’s reasons but the two weren’t even close for a conversation like that to come up. 

The automatic doors slide open and close, announcing Renjun’s exit from the store to Mark. He keeps his gaze down. Maybe if he sits still hard enough, Renjun won’t come over to him.  _ Yes, that’s a good idea _ , Mark entertains himself. After what feels like five fucking hours, but was most definitely only around five seconds, Mark decides to risk a quick glance. His heart is beating out of his chest and his brain feels like it’s going to explode in a minute.

Mark looks up to see Renjun’s figure looming over him. The other teen is holding a 7/11 plastic bag and has his hand resting on his hip. With the shirt he’s wearing, Mark can see Renjun’s half sleeve tattoo. His septum piercing shines from the way the light hits it, due to the way he’s facing the store.  _ He’s so fucking hot _ , Mark muses to himself in his mind.

“Can I join you?” Renjun asks, gesturing to the sidewalk.

“No.” Mark responds in a gay panic, like the absolute fucking dumbass he is.

Renjun chuckles. Mark’s heart skips at least five beats. 

Instead of getting pissed, like Mark is at himself, Renjun plops down on the curb of the sidewalk right next to him.

Mark’s hands are getting clammy. He’s yelling at himself in his mind for being such a fucking idiot. Why did he say no? He’s so stupid! Why didn’t Renjun get mad at him? If Mark were Renjun, he’d get mad, probably. Why was he sitting so close? If either of them moved any closer, their shoulders would touch.

Instead of staring off into the distance, Mark stares at Renjun. He hears the boy rustling through his bag and out of it, he retrieves a napkin and a glazed donut. Renjun smiles at Mark before taking a bite. He averts his gaze. Renjun is too pretty and with the way the light of the store shines from behind, he looks like an angel.

Renjun’s legs are long but somehow, if standing, he would be an inch or two shorter than Mark. He’s wearing ripped jeans. They look nice, the frays are at his knees and thighs. He’s wearing socks with slides which kind of ruins the outfit but in Mark’s mind, Renjun most likely looks good in anything so he doesn’t even care anymore.

They sit in silence until Mark has half the mind to look at his phone.  _ 02:19 _ . Renjun is still sitting with him. Mark stands and Renjun does the same, unlocking his bike from the rack.

He clears his throat to get Mark’s attention. “Do you want a ride? My bike has pegs.”

Mark settles on nodding, not trusting his brain to mouth filter to say something worthwhile.

Renjun pats his shoulders, as a way to tell Mark to put his hands there. Like the clingy stoner he is, he crossed his arms around Renjun’s neck and lets the wind flow through his hair as they move. Mark doesn’t ask how Renjun knows his address. 

“T-thanks.” Mark stutters, walking to the side door of his house that leads to his kitchen. He hopes no one is getting a glass of water right now.

Mark stands in the doorway and watches until Renjun’s biking figure disappears around the block. Mark needs ten hours of sleep to digest the last two hours.

  
  



	3. sliding door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/06a6Nz9AOlSg4jd0BmzHBq?si=sPrgIc4lTcy48iQSfVU0cw) of the chapter

Yukhei throws an end of the year party three weeks before graduation.

Mark, as Yukhei’s best friend, attends, of course. Mark isn’t a big party person. He prefers hanging around Dejun’s basement and getting stoned with him, Kunhang and Yukhei in the comfort of familiar faces. Yukhei always hands out too many plus ones which turn into plus twos, threes and suddenly there aren’t even seniors at the party. Mark spots the few sophomores that are crazy party-goers and he shakes his head at them. 

Chenle is only here because technically this is also his house and Jisung is here because Chenle is here which isn’t really a good justification but it’s too late because they’re already tipsy and Mark can’t help but laugh at the Mikes Hard lemonades in their hands. “Lightweights,” Mark mutters to himself, as if he isn’t a lightweight himself. At least it doesn’t take a few Mikes Hard lemonades for it to happen though, he thinks.

Mark has gone through three or four shots of vodka and downs whatever is in the red solo cups Kunhang keeps handing him when he notices Mark’s is empty. There’s no doubt that Mark is drunk but somehow he’s not stumbling around and completely out of it. He’s seriously contemplating going home because this party is just not for him.

The only thing that can make him feel better is one more shot of vodka, weed, or going home. Mark weighs his options. If he leaves, Yukhei will be upset. Mark hates when Yukhei is upset with him. If he downs one more shot of vodka, he might actually throw up and embarrass himself. If he gets high, he’ll still be embarrassing but it’s better than throwing up.

Mark walks into the kitchen anyway, this time looking for a bottle of water to sober up a bit. The lights are way bright and Mark has to squint for a second to adjust. He spots Renjun in the kitchen, by the dining table with his other friends. They’re juniors but Renjun is really close with Yukhei so they all get a free pass compared to some of the other juniors that are only here because a senior invited them.

Renjun recently dyed his hair black, a major change from the blonde he’d had in the beginning of the school year. Mark still drools when he sees him (as if he hadn’t when Renjun was blonde… anyway). His face is flushed and his forehead is kind of sweaty but he still looks good as hell. _The cute son of a bitch_ , Mark curses in his mind. He’s really considering the fifth shot but then again being drunk always makes him a little more sensitive so maybe he should get high. Yeah, definitely high.

Mark leaves the kitchen and maneuvers his way through the party, pushing his way through people dancing, couples making out and getting too handsy, until he reaches the glass door to the backyard. It’s quiet but not completely, however it’s much better than having the bass from the speakers shake up Mark’s internal organs. He sits on the swing bench Yukhei has on the grass and takes drag after drag, staring at the sky. There’s a bit of light pollution but not enough that Mark couldn’t see any stars. There aren’t any major constellations that he can recognise so he just connects random stars as his gaze passes over them.

Mark is raising the pen to his mouth to take another drag when the sliding glass door opens from the side. He turns his head to see Renjun leaving the house and quickly approaching the swing bench.

This time he doesn’t ask to sit and just does. Mark stares at him. Renjun stares back, expectantly, holding his hand out, nonverbally asking for the wax pen. Mark hands it over and watches quietly as Renjun takes a long drag, letting the smoke out with a heavy sigh.

Mark’s heart aches. Renjun is hot when he’s smoking too. Technically, Mark thinks, Renjun taking hits from _his_ wax pen is an indirect kiss so one point to the gays, negative ten to the straights (this is the conclusion Mark’s foggy mind comes to).

Besides the occasional puff of breath, the two are sitting in silence, which seems to have become a common occurrence when they’re together. Mark wants to say something, anything to get rid of the silence but it’s not awkward or weird. It’s comforting, though he doesn’t know why.

He opens his mouth to talk anyway but a hand on his cheek silences him and he’s kissing, Renjun is kissing him and everything Mark thought he knew turns to slush. He explodes, feeling like fireworks are going off and electricity is running through his veins with the feeling of Renjun’s lips on his, Renjun’s small, soft hand cradling his cheek, the cold feeling of Renjun’s septum piercing digging into his skin. It feels like Pop Rocks fizzling on his tongue. It’s sensory overload, a feeling that Mark thinks he can totally get used to if it means he’s kissing Renjun. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhh idk if this is as good as i thought it was going to be but i've been in a super bad writer''s block so i guess i'll take what i can get... i hope u liked it tho! :-)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/dunkyushot)


	4. moving out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think [this](https://open.spotify.com/track/1FMHNVeJ9s1x1l1WlaRs2I?si=JGpq7tvRRH2lDbBdP_OFMw) song sums up the chapter :)

Mark is supposed to be moving into his college dorm in two days. He’ll be about an hour drive away from home but knowing he’s not in his own bedroom is liberating. All he wanted was to get away from home, from all the things he’s learned to hate.

As he tries to finish packing miniscule things like notebooks and shit, Mark thinks about Renjun. He hasn’t seen him the entire summer since Yukhei’s party. They were never friends in the three years Mark went to school with the year younger teen, never had his number, any of his social media accounts, and such. Mark doesn’t know where Renjun lives but he knows he at least wants to say goodbye before he’s holed up in college until December. 

In an impulsive decision, Mark asks Yukhei for Renjun’s number.

> (markly [01:39] - ik it’s late but can u pass me renjun’s number?
> 
> hei [01:46] - ?? at almost 2am
> 
> hei [01:48] - didn’t know yall were buddies
> 
> markly [02:21] - we talked at ur party
> 
> markly [02:21] - pls for ur bestie ):
> 
> hei [02:27] - {contact attached}
> 
> hei [02:27] - pretty sure kun is my bestie but ok
> 
> markly [02:31] - thanks ily
> 
> hei [02:31] - i know u do)

Mark stares at the number on his screen. He’s not even sure if Renjun would be awake right now but his fingers are itching to click ‘ _new message_ ’. Mark puts on a pair of basketball shorts, grabs his glasses and wax pen, throws on his sneakers and leaves his house, as quietly as possible.

All this thinking requires a therapeutic ice cream sandwich and the feeling of being high so he takes his sweet time as he walks to 7/11.

Mark is in the frozen aisle section of the store when he hears the automatic doors slide open in the distance. He wants to turn to see if he might know the person but then he gets worried it could be someone from his grade so he refrains, not wanting to start any unnecessary conversations.

He tries to wait until the person leaves because Mark knows he’s the only other person here besides the cashier but Mark looks stupid standing with the freezer door open, staring at all the ice cream choices even though he already knows what he’s going to buy.

The cashier tells him to hurry up, that he’s letting all the cold air out of the freezer and that the aircon is already on so he should close the door. Mark chews on his lip, reluctantly closing the freezer door and choosing something else to buy before walking to the register.

He hurriedly pays and tries to leave, annoyed at himself for being fucking embarrasing when someone calls out his name. “Mark Lee? You’re just going to leave without saying hello?”

Mark knows that voice. He almost gets whiplash from how fast he turns around, “Renjun?”

The year younger teen circles Mark on his bike, smile on his face. “Want a ride?”

Mark hops on the pegs of the bike, placing his 7/11 bag in the basket next to whatever Renjun has also bought. As Renjun bikes, he realises they’ve passed Mark’s house and he has somewhat of an idea of where Renjun is taking him, though he isn’t completely sure.

Renjun stops right where the grass meets the pavement. Mark’s suspicions were right. He’s been here once before, with Yerim. They had their first kiss here, when they thought they’d liked each other. (They only dated for a little bit in freshman year because everyone kept telling them they looked good together. Peer pressure, right?)

Mark follows Renjun when he plops himself down, legs extended on the grass, arms supporting his upper body. He’s wearing jeans but Mark is wearing shorts and doesn’t want any ants crawling all over him. He sits anyway, maybe a little too close but Mark likes to think that he and Renjun aren’t completely strangers anymore. How could you be strangers with the person you kissed while crossfaded?

They sit in silence for a few moments. Renjun looks different, Mark muses. His hair is longer than it was the last time Mark had seen him. He’s got two new piercings in his left ear. Maybe he has more on the right side but Mark isn’t sure since he’s sitting on the left side of Renjun.

“I leave in two days,” Mark starts, staring at his hands now. “Sorry if you wanted to, like… see me or something. I didn’t have your number or anything so I asked for it from Yukhei but that was like two hours ago and it’s probably too late for us to make up for lost time and—”

“ _ Mark _ ,” Renjun interrupts, “It’s okay.” 

Mark frowns. How could it be okay? They could have had three whole months together and Mark blew it because he’s a fucking pussy.

“We won’t see each other until December.” Mark informs him. 

“Look… Yukhei is going to that university, so we’ll probably see each other more than you think but—” Renjun cuts himself off, looking up at the dark sky.

Even from the soccer field section of the park, there’s a lot of light pollution due to the city skyscrapers and other buildings and the stars are barely noticeable. Mark gets the feeling that this isn’t going to end the way he wants it to.

“Can you, like… Can you wait for me?” Renjun asks, his voice becoming small. “I just… Senior year is going to be stressful and I don’t know if having to deal with a relationship on top of all of that is a good idea.”

The silence returns. Renjun looks at Mark with furrowed eyebrows, chewing his bottom lip. 

“Yeah-I… Yeah.” Mark stands.

“Mark—”

“I should go home, it’s late.” He begins to speed-walk. Mark feels like an idiot for thinking that anything good could ever happen to him. 

Renjun catches up to him on his bike. “You could at least get on the back of my bike. Please. If I heard that you didn’t make it home, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

Mark simply nods, crossing his arms across Renjun’s chest. When Mark tries to walk up the sidewalk to the side door of his house, Renjun pulls him back.

They stare at each other for a moment. This is most likely the last time Mark will see Renjun for a long time.

“I’m sorry,” Renjun whispers. Mark hates to see him sad.

Before leaving, Renjun kisses Mark on the cheek.

Mark supposes that all good things have to come to an end.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter? :p
> 
> [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/dunkyushot)


End file.
